Daily Archives: June 27, 2012
Paano nga ba ang maging malaya?
“Walang bigkis, walang tanikala…”
Maaring ang mga kataga ay laging naririnig na …
Pabiro ngunit may matinding hagupit sa diwa…
Ang katanungang ito ay aking iniisip sa tuwina…
Sigh, paano nga ba ang maging malaya?
Sa usaping puso…(na minsan, ating iniisip na kaunti ang kaalaman dito)
Kung damdaming dati’y nagpupumiglas upang irog ay mabingwit,
Minsan, mistulang pilit, kumakawala, nais lumayas…
Kung ang puso dati ay nagpupumilit kumapit…
Minsan ay nagnanais, palayo ay kumaripas…
(Sigh, Sigh, Sigh, nakakatakot, nakakalumbay! Dasal, dasal, dasal….)
Sa usaping buhay…
Kalayaan sa paglalahad ng mga damdamin at kaisipan ay taglay…
Kalayaang mamili ng kasama at makapagkwentuhan ng walang humpay
Kalayaan ding tumakbo at magpagulong gulong sa damunan…
Kalayaang damhin ang ligayang hatid ng pagmamahalan
Kalayaang kumain ng nais basta swak sa budget…
Kalayaang maging jologs lang, minsan ay maging lukaret…
Kalayaang sumigaw at minsan naman, ay manigaw ng pabulong…
Kalayaang bumalitaktak at bumatikos ng mga buhong…
Kalayaang magpahangin at magkape sa ilalim ng mangga
Kalayaang makipaharutan sa asong iyong alaga
Kalayaang humalakhak, labas ang baga, pag natutuwa
Kalayaang magtampo, konti lang ha?, kung may nakakabalisa
Kalayaang mag-super duper emo kung feel mo ito
Kalayaang umiyak, bulwak na bulwak, kung nasasaktan ng todo
Kalayaang humiyaw kung nahiwa ng kutsilyo
Kalayaang pumalahaw kung may damdaming nais ibato
Kalayaang humingi ng patawad kung nagkamali
Kalayaang magsisisi sa mga maling gawi
Kalayaang magpakawala ng damdamin sa minamahal
Kalayaang lumabas sa gubat na masukal
Kalayaang sumunod sa saliw ng awit ng pag-ibig
Kalayaang pag-ingatan ang irog na iniibig
Hindi kasama sa kalayaang tinatamasa ang mga bagay na peding makasakit sa kapwa…
…ang gamitin ang “charm” upang makapanlinlang
…ang ipagkait ang kaligayahan ng iba, maging maligaya ka lamang
…ang gamitin ang ganda ng salita upang makabuo ng maling paniniwala
…ang palihim na paglalaro sa damdamin ng iba
…ang takbuhan ang kaibigan matapos ikaw ay mangutang
…ang isiping ikaw lamang ang nangangailangan, ibang tao ay maabala
…ang paglaruan ang isang taong buo ang tiwala at paniniwala
…ang pag-angkin ng mga bagay na di naman sa iyong tunay
… ang pagsasawalang bahala sa damdaming sa iyo ay iniaalay
Ang kalayaan na maging malaya…
… sa usaping buhay…
– may sayang taglay… tumakbo ng malaya sa buhay at piliting sa mga hamon ay magtagumpay…
… sa usaping puso…
– minsan mas magandang “you belong to someone, than not belonging to anyone”…
malungkot ang sobrang kalayaan, ung wala kang uuwian… walang kakwentuhan… (believe me hihihi)
– kumapit, wag lamang napaka higpit upang ang sinta ay di kumawala at mag-invoke ng kanyang “Right to Freedom” hihihi
I rest my case.
(mukhang sa sobrang laya ng aking pagtipa, hindi na nagkakatugma-tugma ang aking ideya… ako mismo ang kumokontra sa sarili ko hihihi… hanubayaan?)
Life Lesson 2: Transition…
Second Lesson:
“I gave you my pain, anger and hatred;
I forgot joy, happiness, love..
I hurt so much.
Please, forgive me and help me.”
Carey J. Spearman
(Vietnam Veterans’ Homecoming: Crossing the Line)
These were the words of Carey J. Spearman, a war veteran who had experienced the war in Vietnam (as a medic).
Such violence, such fear, such sorrow, such destruction of will could change the person’s being…
Being in the center of Nam, extricating and helping wounded soldiers, watching them arrive in stretchers, agonizing with pain, going to battle again after just merely recuperating, coming back again either in stretchers or in caskets…was heartbreaking and soul crushing…
But…let us not talk about the war… it is as morbid as the word implies… 😦
Let us talk about the changes that the person undergoes after the war, when he returns home to his family, to live again in “PEACE”… or is it, really?
We experience pain and sorrow, at different levels…even if we didn’t go to war like Mr. Spearman.
We sometimes refuse to move on…
We feel guilty of the pain inside us, of the pain we have caused others.
We sometimes want to make up for the errors we have committed, for the chaos we have caused… but “Chance” is hiding somewhere. Elusive… not yet time… not yet OUR time…
We sometimes want things which happened to be undone…but UNDONE it cant be… seeds were already planted deep…some withered, some grew despite heavy rains and thunder storms…
We carry the burden in our hearts, long after the “war” has ended.
We extend the pain as we go home, unconsciously dragging our loved ones in the “war” we actually protected them from…
Let Go. Live… Life, as it has been spared, shouldn’t be wasted…
“Come sit with me in the dark and tell me who you are for real, not the person you show people in the light. Tell me about the person who comes out when no one else is around. Let me see him. Take me to your dark place. Let us break the lock on the box so it can never go back.”
We try to look at ourselves in the mirror after our own “wars”.
Do we see the same naive, disillusioned youngster who went on wild drinking spree with friends and ended up in rehab?
Do we see the same love struck virgin who gave up everything, including her family and education, just to be with a man who would later beat the hell out of her?
Do we see the same kind and mellow mother who ended up shooting her husband after seeing him in bed with another?
Do we see the same responsible father who by way of luck, had a lot of bad luck and was not able to recover?
Do we see the same hopeful, bright and smart kid who ended up leading a group of trigger happy killer-for-hire guys who were disillusioned after the harsh treatment they got from the society?
Do we see the same pretty college girl who ended up in jail for selling and using drugs to hide away her own disappointments and pain?
and the list goes on and on and on….
We come home not as the same people anymore. We have deeper understanding of life, the harsh realities of it and the lessons that these experiences bring.
But the sad part of it is, people around us, instead of giving us the understanding we need in order for us to move on, are the same people who judge us and make the transition even more difficult, painful and discouraging…
“Please, forgive me and please help me…”
This we ask of them… no, let me correct that, this is our pleading, our prayer… sometimes they are not listening. Sometimes, for some reasons, they do not feel our sincerity, they have chosen to ignore us…
Some succeed in the transition,
Many fail 😦
We definitely need help. We need people to understand us. We need to release our fears and anxieties… We need people to listen… We need PEOPLE, in short.
We need to have someone wipe away our tears, be with us…JUST BE WITH US IN SILENCE, IN ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT WE HAVE BECOME… and help us feel the comfort it brings…
“Dead things must have to be let go in order to let other things grow, i.e., love, happiness, joy, family, caring and closeness. Stay dead long enough and things around you will die because we will stop the joy, love, happiness and closeness from getting to them. This is not fair. The should have the right to live”
Move on….You also have the RIGHT to live.
Going Back….
First Lesson:
Reserbang Gulong (D’ SpArE TiRe Monologue)
(Ako ay naglinis ng sasakyan kanina. Sa loob at labas, kulay ay maligaya. Ngunit, teka, ako ay napasilip sa isang bahaging di ko laging pinapansin… ang lagayan ng reserba. Inangat, aking nakita, napakagandang gulong! hihihi… I saw a beautiful vision, then came this illusion… let me share my auditory and visual hallucinations hahaha)
Reserbang Gulong… (The Spare Tire Monologue)
Sa iyong pagsilip, ang bati ko ay “hu u?”, hihihi, biro lang po…
Buti nasilip mo akong muli, dito sa taguan ko…
Taguang iyong pinaglagakan, malinis at mabango…
Madilim kadalasan, ngunit tahimik at payapa rito…
Mundong iyong pinaglagyan, maliit at limitado…
Ngunit ito’y sapat lamang, di nagrereklamo…
Hindi na madalas ang pagsilay mo,
pero hmmm, ngiti ba iyang namumutawi sa labi mo?
Natutuwa kang makita ako ano? Nandirito lang sa pinag-iwanan mo…
Kulay ko ay matingkad pa rin, kahit nakatago…
Kabuuan ay makinis, walang galos, hindi natutuyo…
Paano naman, di ako nahahawakan ng ibang palad, nanahimik lamang rito…
Hmmm… ako ay reserbang nakikiramdam sa bawat pagtakbo mo
Bawat arangkada, bawat liko, bawat preno, ninanamnam ko…
Iniisip kung ako kaya ay magkaroon ng pagkakataong tumakbo para sa iyo?…
Kasaluyang gulong na iyong gamit, umiikot nang banayad para sa iyo…
Nawa’y ikaw ay ingatan, maraming lubak, maraming pako sa daan ninyo…
Maaring matusok, maaring mabutas, maaring sumabog, matitigil pag-ikot nito…
Di naman hinihiling na siya ay mapagod at mapudpod, sumuko sa pag-alaga sa iyo…
Ngunit kung dumating ang pagkakataong iyon, nandirito lang ako…
Ikaw ay muling sumilip, dito sa aking maliit na kuwarto…
Ako ay iyong haplusin, ako ay iyong buhatin, ilabas, bigyang laya…
Makakasilay ng liwanag, walang katumbas na ligaya…
Tulad ng orihinal na gulong, alagaan ka ako ay may kakayahan,
Mabilis o mabagal man ang iyong takbo, di ka hahayaang masaktan….
Pagkalikha sa aking matibay, itataya sa iyong paglalakbay…
Upang ang sa iyong patutunguhan, ikaw ay buhay na buhay…
Dito po nagtatapos ang Spare Tire Monologue ^_^
chilledhoney
Chilledhoney's Blog 